Creating Space

Recently I accidentally texted someone which led to a big conversation.  This man was the man that I chose to give up my virginity.  I was, what I believed, in love with him.  I was 16.  What did I know?  What I have realized over the years was that I was not in love with him so much as I was in love with the idea of him.  I wanted someone to love me as much as I loved them.  It wouldn't have mattered who it was.  However, I really wanted it to be him because I felt a connection to him.  I always have. 

We met at church camp when I was 13 and we spent a week hanging out.  Nothing serious.  About 2 years later I show up at drum camp and he was there.  I almost jumped out of my skin.  I then spent the next 3 years obsessed with dating him.  When that didn't work out, I slept with him.  When that still didn't make him love me, I did everything in my power to make him never have love.  I was miserable.  I drove past his house constantly and I would call and hang up on him.  This was way before the time of caller id or the internet.

So I'm texting him throughout the day because I had started this conversation and it finally came up that I liked him in high school.  When he asked my why I never made a move, I reminded him who he was talking to.  He said he knew who it was and I reminded him that I had the hugest crush on him and told him the things that I used to do.  He had absolutely no idea.  He didn't remember any of this.  I mean, he remembered the good stuff but had no idea of what I considered to be bad.  I have lived with this shame and regret for 20 years.  I was so ashamed of my obsession.  I was so ashamed of the way I allowed him to have power over me.  Turns out he was completely unaware of any of this.  Totally unaware.  I am still sitting with this and the tremendous release I feel. 

Tonight I read When you let go of something big, something that has held a place of power over you, it creates space.

What in the world am I getting ready to create?