Bucket List (of sorts)

1) ride in a hot air balloon
2) learn to play the ukelele
3) skydive
4) travel to Greece
5) learn to play the harmonica
6) Do a headstand (Dec 5, 2011)
7) Take a jewelry making class
8) Make a personalized mixed tape for each of my closest friends
9) Host a themed dinner party in an outrageous location
10) See the Grand Canyon
11) Go to Disney
12) Watch the sun rise on the east coast and set on the west coast on the same day
13) Visit the Nile
14) Travel to the Dead Sea
15) Perform some sort of spoken word on stage
16) Take a vacation with a group of fun, creative women
17) get a pixie cut
18) Hang out with the Amish for a weekend
19) get rid of cable
20) become a yoga instructor
21) learn to hula hoop
22) Visit Machu Picchu
23) Visit Paris
24) Take K to New Orleans
25) Make something I would hang in my house
26) Learn to shuffle cards in a fancy manner
27) Speak Spanish fluently
28) Learn to play backgammon
29) jump rope like I did when I was a kid
30) Be completely debt free!!!
31) Visit the baths in Iceland
32) Have a Holi colored powder fight
33) Find a church or place of worship that resonates with my core values
34) Make a difficult dessert
35) Go to 100 wacky American roadside attractions (like oversized chair, large radio flyer wagon, dinosaur where Pee Wee sat, etc)
36) Visit Kate's Lazy Meadow Hotel
37) Own a house with a front porch
38) Meet Tom Robbins
39) Hike in Patagonia
40) Have a conversation with David Sedaris
41) Go backstage at a Tom Petty concert
42) Make my own set of post cards
43) Ride a horse
44) See the Aurora Borealis
45) Spend 2 weeks in Tuscany
46) Spend a month at Plum Village (if not longer)
47) Carnivale in Brazil with a local
48) Learn to cook Arroz con Pollo like a Costa Rican
49) Drink whiskey in Scotland with my son (when he is much, much older)
50) Be featured in a magazine or on TV b/c of my weight loss
51) Roll down a sand dune at Jockey's Ridge like I used to when I was a kid
52) Learn to play guitar
53) Paint something and give it away
54) take a knitting class
55) Go horseback riding in another country
56) Take a solo trip to a quiet cabin in the middle of nowhere
57) Learn how to use a camera that is more interesting than a point and shoot
58) Go on a second honeymoon with the hubby
59) Relearn and own a piano
60) Take a class with the little one
61) Save an emergency fund that equals 6 months of our salary
62) Hang out with R for a really long, lazy weekend (May 2013)
63) Learn to love with my whole heart
64) Eat a dinner that the little one has prepared
65) get another tattoo
66) Visit at least 50 different waterfalls
1) Orchid Falls, Belize (plus other waterfalls in Cayo, Belize)
2) Sliding Rock, NC
3) Looking Glass Falls, NC
67) Stand on a balcony on Bourbon St in New Orleans during Mardi Gras and throw out beads
68) Go to Ireland
69) Go to New York with the hubby
70) Teach a self-help class like my yoga instructor did
71) learn to drive a motorcycle
72) Own and use a bicycle
73) Find something active that I enjoy doing
74) Complete a 5K
75) Complete a 1/2 marathon
76) Complete a marathon
77) Go white water rafting
78) See the Red Rocks
79) Go To Mesa Verde, Colorado
80) Read all of Kurt Vonnegut's books (he's dead and still publishing them)
81) Start 5 holiday traditions
1) put up the tree the first weekend in December
2) Elf on shelf
3) Christmas Eve at our house
4)
5)
82) Own a completely fun car like an El Camino, Jeep Wrangler, or Mini Cooper
83) Learn how to surf
84) Learn to belly dance
85) walk across hot coals
86) Take the family to Galapagos
87) Photograph Nova Scotia, Canada
88) Own a vintage dining table
89) Buy furniture for my bedroom (January 2013)
90) See the pyramids in Egypt
91) Swim with bioluminescent plankton in Puerto Rico
92) Have a family portrait taken
93) Get my palm read
94) Try accupuncture
95) See a musical on Broadway
96) See the cherry blossoms in DC
97) Donate my hair to Locks of Love or similar charity
98) Volunteer with the little one
99) Lose 100 lbs
100) Have a life changing conversation with a stranger
101) Drink an expensive bottle of wine by myself
102) Visit Graceland
103) Participate in a Tough Mudder
104) Visit Lake Como in Italy
105) Learn to spin fire
106) Go with the hubby to Vegas
107) Be published  (November 2012)

Yamas & Niyamas from the Heart of Yoga

To embody the yamas & niyamas, one must first understand that yama is "so important for it includes our relationships with different people at different times."  This allows us to experience who we are in so many different ways throughout our lives.  I like to think of my relationships as mirrors that reflect back to me the good and the not so good.  I do make the effort to have the reflection of myself be something that I am proud of where others are concerned.  I try to speak my truth from a loving place and I am big believer in random acts of kindness.  I do find that it is easier to practice Ahimsa with others than it is to be kind to myself but I am working to improve that.  The yamas consider the attitude I have toward things and people outside of myself while the niyamas are the attitudes I adopt toward myself and how I interact with others.

With respect to becoming a yoga teacher, I anticipate that I will need to work with the yamas and niyamas not only with my student relationships but also with myself and my family.  With students it will be essential to practice Aparigraha or only taking what I have earned.  I believe that there should be a mutual exchange between student & teacher and I have to be willing to speak my truth (satya) and establish boundaries when necessary.  I know this is something I'm being called to work on because it continuously rears its head in my life.  I do believe that there is a certain part of myself that I can reveal while still maintaining my privacy and I'm looking forward to learning how to do that.  I understand Asteya to encompass no stealing but also to mean that we should not take advantage of other's confidences in us.  In the past, I have used "secrets" as a means to manipulate but I make a conscious effort now to not shame others and to empathize with the pain that they feel.  I wholeheartedly understand that there are 6 billion paths to God and we each have our own.  This also  allows me to embrace Brahmacarya or responsible behavior along my path towards the truth.  I love how all the yamas are interconnected and you really can't have the full experience of one without the other.

I know that the niyamas are where my true work lies.  Every time I do yoga, I find myself delving deeper into tapas.  I am very conscious of my breathing now as well as my body posture but I am aware that I need to be more mindful of my eating habits.  That is also becoming easier as I spend more time with myself in svadhyaya.  Self examination & reflection are what lead to the revelations that I keep having.  The time I spend looking within is where I learn the most.  It blew my mind when I could line up my bhandas and create a flow of energy from the soles of my feet through the top of my head.  I have never felt more bliss than in that moment when it all "clicked".
I don't have a problem with sauca as it relates to cleanliness outside.  I do know that I am not as clean inside as I should be.  It is so easy to fall into old patterns of emotional eating but I am aware of when they occur now and I am slowly working to stay within the moment & to turn it over to samtosa-accepting what happens & learning from it.  I also understand when Desikachar reminds us that recognizing our mistakes is the first sign of clarity.

I have always had a problem establishing boundaries with my family.  My mother, father, & brothers.  I'm not including my husband or son in this because I am very capable of expressing my needs with them.  It's just that I sometimes feel that my family won't understand how differently I think from them.  I have spent a lot of time learning about various lifestyles, religions, sexual identities, etc. so that I could love better.  I believe that we fear what we do not understand so when I am afraid, I know that it's time to learn.  When I know better, I do better (thanks Oprah!) and I want to be sure that I never, ever again use shame as a way to get what I want.  I don't know if my family will ever truly understand me and by this I mean my family by birth and the family I chose to marry into.  I have let both families know boundaries and what I will & will not discuss, be part of, or listen to.  It has made a huge difference in my interactions but by the same token, it makes me sad that I have to struggle so hard to be myself.

Now I do realize that I have one more niyama to cover.  Isvarapranidhana or the ability to turn it over to a higher power is one that I'm working on.  I know what my calling is and I know where I am being pulled.  It's very scary but I'm doing my research and I'm becoming more okay with it.  It's going to take a huge leap of faith & a lot of trust and intuitiveness on my part to go where I think I'm headed.  I will have to turn it over to God.  I'm just not sure how to do that since feeling secure is such a huge part of who I am.

Homeward bound

I don’t remember when I forgot how to be a woman.  I just know that it happened.  I was never one for makeup or dresses.  I was never one for playing with Barbies or Hello Kitty.  I was always out climbing trees or making music.  I was out searching for arrowheads or practicing my aim with my slingshot.

Now I’m not saying that girls are only frills and lace.  I just wasn’t the typical girl growing up.  I loved playing with baby dolls and pretending I was a mom.  I was a mighty fine teacher too.  I loved everything about school.  I just took my dolls outside to play in the dirt.  I made mud pies and was more at home outside in the woods by myself than I was indoors.  Sometimes I miss that little spitfire that slowly had her fire lowered until it was almost extinguished.
I started fighting for my womanhood after the birth of my son.  It was also at this time that I had to fight for my life.  The birth of my son almost killed me and I knew better.  I knew something was wrong and everyone ignored me.  I didn’t understand what was going on or why I was having his heart beat monitored twice a week before his birth.  I didn’t even understand what was going on most of the time and I put my trust in doctors.  I didn’t trust what I was feeling.  I never felt like I had a voice. 
About two years after his birth, I was out with a friend one night who asked me why I was so afraid of being a woman.  At this point I was dressing in plain clothes, mostly black or gray with very little color.  I was trying to hide myself.  I’m still not sure why but I just felt alone and scared and really sad.  I put on a good face but deep down I knew something was wrong.  This continued for almost another year until one night my boy comes up to me and asks me why I’m so sad.  I had no idea he could see this and no one else had bothered to ask but here was this 3 year old that just knew.  I decided right then that I had to be the example of all the things a woman should and could be.
My first step was cultivating a supportive, uplifting tribe of women.  I have removed who is not necessary and I have created such a deep seeded network that I know each woman has my best interests at heart.  I am amazed at what women can create when they come together in joy instead of with gossip & drama; when love & admiration holds space for each of us instead of trying to outdo one another.  This one step alone has been life changing.  I feel understood and at home when I am with any of them.

My next step was creating space in my life for yoga.  Listening to my body and trusting it to tell me what I need is an ongoing experience.  I hate it sometimes-all these revelations, but by the same token I love all of these revelations. I am amazed by what my body can do and I am learning to face my fears head on and allow light in where I used to struggle.

Now I'm at a place where I know that I need to develop a deeper relationship with myself.  I need to look within more than I ever have.  I keep receiving messages from The Universe to go within, live my dream, find my passion, etc.  I'm so so close to finding my way home.

The Rule of 27 and a new moon

I adore Samantha Honey.  This prompt is taken from her blog. 
This Month, beginning today with new moon, I am going to help you make MASSIVE shifts to improve your life implementing the rule of 27.  

These changes are going to be in three areas of your life:

LOVE
MONEY/CAREER, and
HEALTH

Step 1.
Become specific.  Write down any 3 desires you have for EACH of these areas of your life, this month

Step 2.  Next to each of these 9 desires,write 3 things you can do to facilitate this happening. 
Love:

1) I want to help the hubby plan the getaway for us this year
            a) Pick dates that work for both of us
            b) find someone to take care of the boy
            c) Find a place that will offer relaxation as well as adventure

2) I want to have more sex
            a) Flirt with the hubby more
            b) Initiate
            c) Go to bed at a reasonable hour
3) I want to finish the bed
            a) Wash the duvet cover
            b) Buy pillows to put inside the shams
            c) Buy new sheets for the bed

Money/Career:
1) I want to finish one book report for yoga teacher training
            a) Read 10 pages per day
            b) Follow the writing prompt that the teacher prepared
            c) Put aside an hour to write the report
2) I want to create a vision board for my dream
            a) Find magazines that are inspring
            b) Set aside an hour to work on this project
            c) Find poster board and glue for this project.
3) I want to put more money in my "having it" account
            a) Actually transfer the money when I get paid.
            b) Transfer netflix to the “having it” account
            c) Increase my sales at work

Health:
1) I want to do yoga every day
            a) Wake up 10 minutes earlier
            b) put my mat on the floor
            c) commit to a 10 minute practice
2) I want to spend more time outside
            a) go for a walk on my lunch break
            b) go for a walk after work
            c) take the boy outside to ride his bike
3) I want to plan a weekly menu
            a) Take 30 minutes to look through sales
            b) pull recipes from pinterest and email
            c) WRITE IT DOWN!

Dandelion puffs

From Hannah :

Wishes are magic makers, dream builders.

When you pick a dandelion puff and blow it, those little seeds are planting magic in the world around you.

Puff.
Blow.
Faith.
Magic.

Do me a favor though, and don’t keep your wishes to yourself ok? There is a whole Universe out there that wants to join in making your desires come true...

I love reading what Hannah has to write.  She inspires me like few others have and she has struggled through what she feels she is now called to teach.  I’m drawn to write today about the meeting I had with an old friend of mine. 
It was the Tuesday after I had left the bar disappointed with the friend I just recently released.  We were getting our kids together for the first time.  I was incredibly excited because her boy and my boy were so much alike.  They ended up playing together for 2 hours and we didn’t realize how much time had passed until she looked at her watch.  I had always thought of this woman as Churchy McChurchenson.  I don’t say this to be mean, I just didn’t expect her to have the same beliefs I do.  Something deep inside of me told me to reach out to her and express how I’d been receiving messages from the Universe about the steps I should now be taking.  I explained how back around my birthday it was all about taking care of my heart…speaking from my heart…loving with all my heart.  Then it changed to Love your body…take the time to learn from your body…listen to your body.  I ended up throwing my back out during this time and really had to slow down and think about what I was doing.  Soon after that the messages were constantly about peace.  Finding it, living with it, giving it, receiving it.  It was such a prevalent word in my life around the New Year that I made it the word of 2013.  Then it became Surrender…Let Go… Melt…Let it happen.  Soon after the messages reminded me again that I think too much.  I really need to get out of my head.  I needed to trust myself more and go with the flow.  (I am still working on this one HA!) Now the message has flipped to follow your dreams.  Live the life you dream of.  There is this gnawing in my gut and a voice in the back of my mind telling me that I need to tell her what I see for my future.  So I start telling her my dream….
I tell her that I can see myself teaching to love themselves through yoga & mindfulness.  I envision a retreat eventually where we can do yoga, move slowly, do some art, do more yoga, and wrap the night up with wine and storytelling around the table.  I want to have a garden, some chickens, and some honeybees.  I want to grow my own food and maybe sell a little on the side to make extra money.  I see myself learning Reiki, maybe massage….I’m not sure. But I definitely see myself holding retreats where women can come together.  This friend whips out her phone and shows me a photo of a place that she hasn’t thought about in years, a place that she almost bought once before.  She had a board of directors and was ready to pull the trigger but then felt that she wasn’t ready so she backed out.  We both are still reeling from having our dreams realized right in front of us.  I have brought so many amazing people into my life lately.  I know they would support me.  I know this could happen.  I know yoga instructors, massage therapists, reflexologists, organic caterers, farmers, nurses, all kinds of people who make it their goal to heal. We are both overwhelmed that this might happen….but I love this feeling.  I love this not knowing.  This kind of dream fills me up.

An act of Self-love

From Daily Om :

 

Knowing when to let somebody go and leave a relationship is a true act of self-love.

Just as a good relationship can have a positive impact on your life, stressful, draining, or imbalanced relationships can have negative effects on your health and well-being. It’s common to maintain a relationship because we feel the other person needs us or we believe that they will eventually change. We may also be afraid of hurting the other person or feel insecure in our ability to find new relationships. But knowing when to end a relationship and acknowledging that the pain will pass can often prevent greater pain and feelings of loss in the long run.

If you’re in a relationship that isn’t satisfying or one that has become unhealthy for you, rather than spending energy attempting to fix the problem or complaining, ask yourself what you really want from the relationship. Consider whether the other person truly considers your feelings or if they are willing to change their behavior. Ask yourself if you’ve often thought about ending the relationship or if you feel your bonds have atrophied. While every relationship has ups and downs, when there are more downs than ups or the two of you are bringing out the worst in each other, it may be time to sever the connection. Be honest with yourself and your answers, even if the truth is painful.

Relationships thrive on honesty, communication, mutual caring, and time spent together. When one or more of these elements are missing, it may be that the relationship, no matter how passionate, simply isn’t worth it. It’s far better to end a relationship that doesn’t feel right than to hold on to it and languish in feelings of anger or resentment. Moving on without struggle, on the other hand, can be the door that leads you to a more nurturing relationship in the future. 

 

I did it.  I told her all the things I needed to say and I let my friend go. What am I telling the Universe when I constantly bail someone out of trouble 5, 10, 100 times?  What does that tell anyone about what I think about my own worth?

I decided that she is the only person that I ever talk trash about and I didn't like myself anymore where she was concerned and I didn't like that part of myself...so I killed it.  I had to kill it so that I could create the space for more magic to happen.  I want love, joy, magic, dancing, and support.  I wasn't getting any of that from her.  So I opened up the space for someone or something to help me create what I want.  The Universe has been showing me pieces of what is possible if I could just learn to trust myself so I took another huge step.  I'm putting it out there that I am ready to start cultivating the life that I truly want.  I'm not scared of it anymore.

I want a life of peace.  I want time alone to rest and recover but I also want time with the people that love & support me.  I want to create art and music.  I want to dance wildly and sit under the moon.  I want bonfires and long conversations.  I want to learn to love myself from the inside out and I want to share the beauty of this experience with others.  I want to teach yoga and learn to hold space for others.  I know that I am opening myself to vulnerability but I want to learn to be okay with not always being the strong one.  I want to know without any doubt that it is okay to be beautiful.  I want to be able to look into the eyes of someone that loves me and believe them when they say that.  I want to look into the eyes of someone that loves me and not be uncomfortable when they say that.  I want to let go of the hold that guilt has over me.  I want a rocking chair front porch and I want people to drop by.  I want to create a place of solace within my home.  I want to learn to love my husband with my whole heart.

Ok now that I've typed that out..that is some serious work I have set out to do on myself.  Whew!

What the doctor ordered

I have literally felt my heart breaking all day.  It is so heavy and it feels like it is pumping mire out of  my chest instead of pumping life.  I know that tonight is the night I have to make the call that establishes the ultimate boundary that I need.  I have spent at least 10 days resolving what I am willing to live with and what I am not. 
I have decided that
I refuse to be in a one-sided friendship. 

I deserve to get as good as I give.

I need to be heard and not talked over.

I will no longer take time away from those that support me in order to spend time with someone who is jealous.

The thing causing the largest lump in my throat is that I know this is going to devastate her.  I know this is going to rip her apart.  This next step towards my freedom and all that the Universe is showing me that I am capable of starts with breaking the heart of someone that I used to cherish in a way that I would cherish a sister.  This is why I have been silently suffering.

But then how many doors must slam in my face, how windows must pinch my fingers as they are shut before I realize that she is not healthy?  She is slowly destroying herself and I am not willing to enable her unhealthy behavior any longer.

"Wanting to help someone in need is loving, but there are times when your assistance doesn’t actually promote their well-being. It’s important to be able to distinguish the difference between truly helping and enabling unhealthy behavior. There’s a pretty good chance you’re doing the latter if they need your help repeatedly. Even though it can be difficult to let them fall, sometimes hitting bottom might be just…What the doctor ordered."-Gratitude Twenty Four Seven 

I am on this incredible journey to remember who I am.  I am learning how to be soft and inviting.  I am learning to be beautiful and content within that beauty.  I am learning to listen to my body in all of its wisdom.  I am learning to trust my gut and not think of it as separate from me.  All of this is shaping me into exactly who I'm meant to be and I want it.  I want to be healthy so that I can help others.  I want to travel this path, this hard, hard path so that I can share with others.