I don’t remember when I forgot how to be a woman. I just know that it happened. I was never one for makeup or dresses. I was never one for playing with Barbies or Hello Kitty. I was always out climbing trees or making music. I was out searching for arrowheads or practicing my aim with my slingshot.
Now I’m not saying that girls are only frills and lace. I just wasn’t the typical girl growing up. I loved playing with baby dolls and pretending I was a mom. I was a mighty fine teacher too. I loved everything about school. I just took my dolls outside to play in the dirt. I made mud pies and was more at home outside in the woods by myself than I was indoors. Sometimes I miss that little spitfire that slowly had her fire lowered until it was almost extinguished.
I started fighting for my womanhood after the birth of my son. It was also at this time that I had to fight for my life. The birth of my son almost killed me and I knew better. I knew something was wrong and everyone ignored me. I didn’t understand what was going on or why I was having his heart beat monitored twice a week before his birth. I didn’t even understand what was going on most of the time and I put my trust in doctors. I didn’t trust what I was feeling. I never felt like I had a voice.
About two years after his birth, I was out with a friend one night who asked me why I was so afraid of being a woman. At this point I was dressing in plain clothes, mostly black or gray with very little color. I was trying to hide myself. I’m still not sure why but I just felt alone and scared and really sad. I put on a good face but deep down I knew something was wrong. This continued for almost another year until one night my boy comes up to me and asks me why I’m so sad. I had no idea he could see this and no one else had bothered to ask but here was this 3 year old that just knew. I decided right then that I had to be the example of all the things a woman should and could be.
My first step was cultivating a supportive, uplifting tribe of women. I have removed who is not necessary and I have created such a deep seeded network that I know each woman has my best interests at heart. I am amazed at what women can create when they come together in joy instead of with gossip & drama; when love & admiration holds space for each of us instead of trying to outdo one another. This one step alone has been life changing. I feel understood and at home when I am with any of them.
I started fighting for my womanhood after the birth of my son. It was also at this time that I had to fight for my life. The birth of my son almost killed me and I knew better. I knew something was wrong and everyone ignored me. I didn’t understand what was going on or why I was having his heart beat monitored twice a week before his birth. I didn’t even understand what was going on most of the time and I put my trust in doctors. I didn’t trust what I was feeling. I never felt like I had a voice.
About two years after his birth, I was out with a friend one night who asked me why I was so afraid of being a woman. At this point I was dressing in plain clothes, mostly black or gray with very little color. I was trying to hide myself. I’m still not sure why but I just felt alone and scared and really sad. I put on a good face but deep down I knew something was wrong. This continued for almost another year until one night my boy comes up to me and asks me why I’m so sad. I had no idea he could see this and no one else had bothered to ask but here was this 3 year old that just knew. I decided right then that I had to be the example of all the things a woman should and could be.
My first step was cultivating a supportive, uplifting tribe of women. I have removed who is not necessary and I have created such a deep seeded network that I know each woman has my best interests at heart. I am amazed at what women can create when they come together in joy instead of with gossip & drama; when love & admiration holds space for each of us instead of trying to outdo one another. This one step alone has been life changing. I feel understood and at home when I am with any of them.
My next step was creating space in my life for yoga. Listening to my body and trusting it to tell me what I need is an ongoing experience. I hate it sometimes-all these revelations, but by the same token I love all of these revelations. I am amazed by what my body can do and I am learning to face my fears head on and allow light in where I used to struggle.
Now I'm at a place where I know that I need to develop a deeper relationship with myself. I need to look within more than I ever have. I keep receiving messages from The Universe to go within, live my dream, find my passion, etc. I'm so so close to finding my way home.
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