Beautiful words-when things fall apart

photo source

Carolyn Myss, the medical intuitive who writes and lectures about why people don't heal, flew to Russia a few years ago to give some lectures. Everything that could go wrong did: flights were cancelled or overbooked, connections missed, her reserved room at the hotel given to someone else. She kept trying to be a good sport, but finally, two mornings later, on the train to her conference on healing, she began to whine at the man sitting beside her about how infuriating her journey had been thus far.

It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said, gently, that they believe when a lot of things are going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born-and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.”

From here

Mondo Beyondo end of year worksheet

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2011?
I don't remember much from the beginning of the year but around April I shifted into self-care mode.  I lost 30 lbs by eating well and going to the gym.  I gained it all back at the end of the year once I stopped smoking July 30th.  I started a yoga practice and I am in love with it.

What did you create?   I created space for me.  I am making sure to do something for myself every day whether it's just taking the time to read a book or practicing yoga.  I created a yoga practice.  I am slowly creating a new me.

What challenges did you face with courage and strength?   I am still in the process of letting go of what does not serve me.  I think it is incredibly courageous that I was part of a women's workshop for 8 weeks and I took the time to speak out about my life and myself and my feelings.  I was incredibly vulnerable and that was hard.

What promises did you keep?  I promised to give more and I did.  I promised to be more kind and I was.

What brave choices did you make?  The bravest choices have been to go to the women's workshop and to eventually work up to not allowing people to steal my energy when I desperately need it for me.  I have learned to say no.  I have learned that it's ok to want to stay home and be with myself.  I'm so used to being an extrovert and being the center of attention that for me to choose to be alone is huge.

What are you proud of?  I am proud of making my end of year bonus at work.  I am proud that I have opened a new door to seeing who I am.  I am proud that I have had that door open for a few months now and I'm not running away.

2. What is there to grieve about 2011?
What was disappointing? I was incredibly disappointed that I did not rappel down the Wachovia building.  I hated not doing that but I did not lose the weight I wanted so I felt like it wasn't safe to do it.


What was scary? The scariest thing I did was tell my truth in the workshop.  Opening myself up with such complete and raw honesty was eye opening and it was hard work.


What was hard? Learning that I am horrible at accepting compliments.  I don't know how I didn't realize this but it has really hit me hard.  It was also hard to speak my truth.  It still is.  I'm still not good at sharing myself with those around me.


What can you forgive yourself for? I don't know why forgiveness is so hard for me.  I really need to forgive myself for the way I was in high school.  I need to forgive all the anger I harbored.  I need to forgive my fear of isolation then especially when I try purposefully to carve it out now.  I need to forgive myself for being scared & acting accordingly.  



3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
The next step is to say out loud, “I declare 2011 complete!” 
How do you feel? If you don’t feel quite right, there might be one more thing 
to say… I declare 2011 complete.  I still have some decluttering to do before the day's end but I feel very good about the completion of this year and the beginning of the new one.


4. The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2012?
This is the year of joy.  It's my word of the year.  I am going to do something that brings me joy every day.  I'm also breaking down the months to focus on an aspect of joy.  I'll be blogging the entire way b/c I really think that this is going to be a major year of transformation.  Rarely have I been SO excited to start a new year.


Stand up and say it proud, “2012 is my year of JOY!!”

Worksheet taken from here.

Gift Focus

What one or two areas of my list would I like to focus on for the next 30 days?
I'm going to say losing weight/getting to the root of my compulsive eating and being nicer to my hubby.

When I have fully received what I want, I will really have more love.  More love for myself, more love for my husband, more love from my husband.  I love who I am.  It's really strange to me how I can love me as much as I do but then be scared enough to show off who I am.  I know that I am awesome.  I know that I am a healer. I know that I am a great listener.  The closer I get to living this, the more I harm myself physically.  The more scared I am, the more I eat.  The more I eat, the more guilty I feel and the further removed I feel from my own life.  Food is powerfully comforting and numbing for me.

I would really love to carve out some space in my bedroom for my yoga practice and meditation.  This is really something I would like to practice daily but feel that I need to do it in privacy and not out in the open of my living room.  I keep putting this off b/c to practice daily would be opening myself up to more learning and more introspection.  More dealing things that make me uncomfortable.  However, I am getting more comfortable with the uncomfortable.

I want to be more open to listening to my intuition and not silencing it.  I want to say nicer things to my hubby.  I want to notice how smoking hot he is.  I want to be smoking hot for him.

Gifts from the Universe

I'm not really one to daydream but I'm going to put myself out there and visualize for a moment what I would like to receive if I were given the choice.

With respect to my family I would love to be understood.  I know that I cannot choose the family I was born into but sometimes I laugh at how different my family is from my friends.  I was born into a very conservative Baptist family.  My family was never very open to anyone different than them yet I have created a family of friends that most would consider freaks.  I love the dirty hippies, the people with too many tattoos, the transgender, the artists, the massage therapists, the gay, the straight, the single mamas, the social workers.  I married into a Mormon family which is just as conservative as the family I was born into.

I would love my family to be a little less judgemental.  I would love for us to get together once in a while without having to listen to everyone complain about everyone else.  It is a constant drama fest and it does not suit me or make me happy.

With respect to my friends I would love to have someone listen to me.  I have a habit of listening to others but then feeling incredibly guilty when it comes to talking about myself.  I would love to surround myself with a few more mommy friends especially if they are part of a happy partnership.  I would love if my best friend would realize how amazing she is so that no one else would ever have to show or tell her.  I would love to be able to surround myself with more people that are happy in their own skin and in their lives.

With respect to my husband, I would love to be nicer.  I would love it if I could stop taking a hard day out on him.  I would like to treat him with more respect and I am trying very hard to pay attention to that.  I know that he loves me more than anyone else in the world and I need to stop being afraid of that.  I want to be more vulnerable with him.  However I would also like for him to see the effort I'm making and feel that he needs to make an effort as well.  I would love if we could go on dates occasionally and if we were both a little more romantic with each other.

If it were up to me I would be able to always recognize what I am being given.  I'm working on it and I'm learning to be open to gifts and to be grateful.

What would I like to experience:

 financially:  I feel that we make enough money to live a good life.  I would like to be a better manager of our money and to live more simply.  I would like to make a budget and stick with it and see our savings grow.

physically:  I want to lose weight and keep it off.  I have quit smoking and gained back all that I lost last year.  I worked hard for those lost pounds and then just ate them up.  I'm not sure why I'm compulsively eating lately but I do know that I am working on that and want to get to the root of it.

creatively:  I want to write more.  I'm trying really hard to regularly post here and am doing it just for me.  None of my friends know about this and I'm not willing to share it yet.  This journal has allowed me to focus on me and not worry about what anyone thinks of my writing or thoughts.  I also feel the calling to create music.  I'm not sure how or where but I'm pretty sure I will find a way to do this this year.

spiritually:   I have really moved away from any sort of religion since I was in college.  I am a very spiritual person and believe that God is found everywhere.  I believe that what you put out there is what you receive.  If I were able to find a group of good people that were service oriented and got together to talk about Jesus, I would definitely be interested.  I don't really have any goals in this area other than to continue doing yoga and see where that takes me.

Gifts-2

Gifts I received:
1) The email from my yoga instructor throwing me for a loop
2) Kisses from my little one

Gifts I gave:
A beautiful quote that I found that reminded me of my sweet, sweet friend.  I copied it into a letter and mailed it immediately.

Gifts I gave to me:
Planning for a major bedroom purging.  I really want to make that into a more inviting space.

Hope

photo source

I love the hope and anticipation of a new year.
I love coming up with a word of the year and living where that word takes me.
I love the possibility of a new, clean slate.
I've actually been giving 2012 a lot of thought and I know my word of the year.
I'm setting up goals and focuses per month because I really want to live this word.
I want to roll around with it and get intimately familiar.

Today I sent my yoga instructor a picture I found online for curvy yoga and she threw a bug in my ear.  A bug that the hubby fully supported but that I am terribly afraid of.  My yoga instructor thinks that I should train to teach a curvy yoga class.  My hubby agrees.  I am petrified.  I realize that when something scares me this bad it is because it is right for me.  It is exactly what I need to do so I will be doing a lot of thinking and praying and planning.  Who knows...this might be exactly what I need to do.

photo source

Gifts-1

I am open to receiving more gifts.  I had so much fun the last time I concentrated on this that I am ready to try again.  My intention is to document and pay forward all that I receive.  It must feel like a gift & I will be sure to gift something every day in return.

 

I made it my goal to receive 5 gifts yesterday so here goes:

1) My hubby & son requested that I skip yoga last night and come home to be with them instead.  This has never happened before so I was sure to do it.

2) Many great texts telling me I am wonderful

3) A prank that was played on me.  I love these.

4) I saw a wacky, waving, inflatable, arm flailing tube man and it made me laugh

5) A book I'd been waiting on finally made it to the library

 

I gave myself:

1) permission to fall asleep on the couch earlier that my bedtime

2) time on the computer while in bed (something I rarely do)

3) A long shower in the morning

 

Gifts I gave yesterday:

1) Ice cream for everyone in my office

 

Gifts I have received today:

1) Biscuit for breakfast brought in by a co-worker

2) a slice of homemade peppermint cake

3) a quick call from my son this afternoon

 

Gifts I have given:

1) Ice cream again

2) Three letters to the universe

 

Gifts I gave myself:

1) 90 minute massage with my favorite therapist

2) 30 minutes of reading before I go to sleep

Ten good things

1)  Knocking the hubby's socks off at my office Christmas party when I showed up with my normally curly hair, straight and I was rocking the smoky eye shadow.  I normally don't wear any makeup.  I literally took his breath away.
2) Moon salutation
3) I have figured out my word for 2012
4) Having the ability to buy the hubby a gift that he wanted but would have never bought for himself.
5) Being surprised at Christmas by the perfect gift from my hubby
6) I finally hosted a group of friends at my house this week.  It is so hard for me to allow people into my home for some reason.
7) Giving away half of the $100 I won
8) Opportunites to visit with the tooth fairy
9) Learning new ways to show gratitude
10) Joy! Joy! Joy!

Ten good things

Random edition:

1)  Knocking the hubby's socks off at my office Christmas party when I showed up with my normally curly hair, straight and I was rocking the smoky eye shadow.  I normally don't wear any makeup.  I literally took his breath away.
2) Moon salutation
3) I have figured out my word for 2012
4) Having the ability to buy the hubby a gift that he wanted but would have never bought for himself.
5) Being surprised at Christmas by the perfect gift from my hubby
6) I finally hosted a group of friends at my house this week.  It is so hard for me to allow people into my home for some reason.
7) Giving away half of the $100 I won
8) Opportunites to visit with the tooth fairy
9) Learning new ways to show gratitude
10) Joy! Joy! Joy!

38 while 38

I posted this on my other blog but I want to follow up with it here as well:


1. Finish writing a 100+ Things I'd Like to Do Before I Go list
2. Take a jewelry making/beading class
3. Buy new bedroom furniture for me
4. Buy hubby a new car
5. Lose 100 lbs from where I originally started
6. Take a solo trip
7. Volunteer at the Food Bank with Monkeyface
8. Go to a movie alone
9. Go to 3 live performances for free
10. Visit a chiropractor
11. Fix my itunes/ipod
12. Do a photography project
13. Do a Miranda July project
14. Send out 12 surprise packages to the unsuspecting
15. take a girl's trip to the beach
16. Take Monkeyface for a ride in a hot air balloon (for free?)
17. Teach Monkeyface to fly a kite
18. Take Monkeyface to a sporting event
19. Attend 50 yoga classes
20. Visit Ikea again
21. Paint the living room
22. Have a family portrait taken
23. Take Monkeyface to the beach for the day
24. Go on 6 dates with the hubby
25. Have a great conversation with a complete stranger
26. Play a different version of Canasta
27. Take a photography class
28. sneak away for the weekend with the hubby
29. get rid of treadmill
30. Plant something in my yard
31. Get a bed for the guest bedroom (December 2011)
32. Get a bookshelf for Monkeyface's room
33. Get a retro used dining table
34. Buy and wear a new lip color that is completely out of the ordinary for me
35. Rappel down Wachovia building
36. Experiment with new eyeshadow colors
37. Walk 500 miles above what I normally walk on a daily basis
38. Go ziplining in Costa Rica

Soulstice

I wrote this yesterday but forgot to post it.  Well I suppose as of now, I wrote this 2 days ago.

CheriBella

Today is the winter solstice and I'm feeling the need to clean, clean, clean before I hunker down.

I've never celebrated the solstice before but feel the need to balance this year.

Boho Girl is speaking to my heart when she writes:

On the longest night of the year, as we prepare to enter back into the light, it is important that we honor the darkness with as much reverence as we do the sun’s return. Gestation and regeneration take place in the dark. We once grew in a dark womb. Plants begin their lives under the dark cover of soil before they emerge into the sun. Our dark places are not to be feared. They are as necessary to life as the light. Without a shadowed haven into which to retreat, even the life-giving sun will eventually kill you. The light and the darkness give balance and perspective to all of life.

I never really thought about needing time in the dark before returning to the light.  I never thought of honoring my need to be alone for a while but I feel it coming now.  I've been in such a time of introspection lately.  It's been nice surrounding myself with love and with those that love me.  I've been very careful who I give my energy to and I've been nurturing myself with yoga.

What' really throwing me is that I am doing so well spritually right now and I am so in love with life but I cannot stop eating sweets.  It has almost become a compulsion and I'm rarely satisfied.  I keep overlooking the damage I'm doing because of all the good things I'm doing and learning.  I'm really having a hard time controlling the food I'm intaking.  It's like I'm trying to balance myself out by damaging everything good I'm doing.  I realize that that makes no sense but I have no other explination.

I'm very ready to spend some time alone this winter.  I'm very ready to say no to going out and to say yes to the things I love that make me feel better and do better.  I have never been more in love with my life than I am right now.  Tonight I'm cleaning and purging and then after the boys are in bed, I'm renewing myself with some gentle, loving yoga.  Out with the old and in with the new.

Change

photo source: secretgirlsthings

I change the world by changing myself. I am changing the world by loving myself, by enjoying life, by making my personal world a dream of heaven. I change myself, and just like magic, other people start to change.
~ don Miguel Ruiz

What delights you?

1) My wee family
2) The first words out of my son's mouth most mornings
3) feeling sexy
4) yoga
5) conquering fears and pushing boundaries
6) the smell of clean laundry
7) people walking and holding hands
8) Seeing u2 live
9) decorating my Christmas tree
10) anticipation of something spectacular
11) surprising people
12) conversations over coffee
13) listening to my son sing
14) sex
15) baking
16) making and then eating my own jam
17) walks in the woods
18) decluttering
19) blowing zzerberts on a baby's belly
20) journaling outside
21) the tooth fairy
22) Super Soul Sundays
23) giant belly laughs

Ten good things

1) Headstands!
2) Opening myself up to receiving gifts
3) Printing this for one of my favorite people
4) Loving, accepting, and forgiving myself
5) Learning when you know better, you do better.
6) My son walked into my bedroom this morning and loudly proclaimed, "Good morning por favor!"
7) Scented candles and the lit Christmas tree
8) Winning $100 and figuring how to give away half of it
9) Conversation with my own life coach.  Is this really happening?
10) Anticipation of how amazed my hubby is going to be at Christmas

Gifts

I used to buy scratch off lottery tickets a while ago at least once a week.  I sort of dropped the habit & had not thought about it in almost a year.  Today my brother asked me when the last time was that I had bought one.  I honestly couldn't remember.  Fast forward to this evening.  I was at the grocery store and had $20 in my wallet.  I popped it in the ticket machine and proceeded to win $100.  Wow!

Also today-my brother told his girlfriend that I wanted more of my perfume and since she works at a makeup counter, she was able to walk over to one of her friends and get me enough of a sample that it will last me roughly a year.  Woo Hoo!

Bucket list

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I just did a mother fucking headstand!  Mark that one off the bucket list!!!!!

Loving this

picture source

This picture makes me endlessly happy

Ten good things

1) Family get togethers with "Happy Birthday" sung at the top of our lungs
2) Starting a revolution
3) Grocery challenges
4) Talking to my parents about this and being happy that I did
5) Cleaned out the little one's closet and made his room better for him
6) Sending out letters from the Universe
7) Thinking of new projects I want to jump into regarding gratitude and photos
8) Coconut lotion and Bobbi Brown Beach mixed together to make me smell divine
9) scarves, scarves, and more scarves
10) Cleaned out my own closet this weekend and removed a HUGE amount of empty hangers.  Whew!

Daily struggles

Being a mom is one of the most fulfilling roles I've ever had.  I am amazed at how much patience I have now.  I used to get to mad so quickly, but when it comes to disciplining and teaching my child, I swear I have the patience of a saint.  In my line of work, I sometimes deal with people that require me to also show them the same amount of patience.  Since have a child, when a crisis occurs, I automatically shut down, focus on what is in front of me, fully assess the situation, and then take action.  I don't panic.  I immediately calm down and then do what needs to be done to get myself out of the crisis.  One example of this is just today I smelled smoke in the house and at first I thought it was the heating unit.  Sometimes it smells a little like something is burning if it hasn't run in a while.  I was in the bathroom getting ready and I smelled smoke which I thought was weird but I dismissed it.  I then went back into the bathroom and continued to get ready.  When I came back out, the smell was stronger and I knew something was wrong. I walked quickly into the kitchen and saw smoke everywhere.  Immediately I looked at the stove and oven.  They were both off.  I then shifted to the toaster oven and saw a little flame in the bottom.  This is the conversation that happened in my head:

Ok fire in the toaster oven
unplug it
open the door
oops that was dumb
hrmm..electrical fire
can't use water
fire extinguisher is too far away
salt....baking soda
BAKING SODA!
I grabbed it, threw it on the fire and everything is fine now.  I remained calm the entire time and only afterwards did my 5 year old walk in to ask me what smelled funny.
I just feel like if I panic, he will panic so I just shut down and solve.  I say all this to show that I can think and act quickly in order to save a life or a house.

However, I am struggling right now to find a way to get through to my child that learning can be fun.  He is a very loving kid.  The kind of kid that crawls into bed with me each morning and says "Good morning beautiful mommy."  The kid that hugs me and wants to hang out with me.  He wakes up on the weekends asking me what we're going to do today.  He is very well mannered and has finally broken out of his shyness.  BUT we are struggling with school.  He is bored and spends a lot of his time daydreaming, talking out of turn, and not doing his work.  Just this week he was sent to sit with the assistant principal because he threw a rock and hit another student in the head.  The assistant principal failed to mention to me that the much larger child had thrown grass at my child and he threw the rock in retaliation.  Now, I'm not saying that he was right in doing what he did.  I've told him that he is not right.  I've tried to show him how the other child felt when he hit them.  I'm doing everything I can to make him empathetic to the situation but I am at a loss.  How do I show him that learning is fun?  How do I make him enjoy school?
He loves his teaching assistant but he does not like his teacher.  I also can understand that.  She is one of those teachers that is very strict and by the book.  If she were a nun, I can totally see her popping students' hands with a ruler.  I've talked to another mom with a child in the class and she is going through exactly the same thing that I am.  I swear he doesn't act this way at home.  How do I help him learn to love learning?
I have a meeting with her next week and I'm hoping that this will help me.  This is definitely one of those times when I would be open and vulnerable, gratefully willing to the help offered.

30 days of grace-Day 30

I'm so sad that today is the last day.  I am considerably grateful for these last 30 days and all that I have learned from this experiment.  Love+gratitude=joy

Damn you Oprah!!

I'm watching Oprah's Lifeclass and it's the "Joy Rising" episode.  I am laughing and crying so hard that I've had to go get Kleenex.  Whew!  Damn you Oprah!  You pull my heart strings like no one else.
I could not imagine being able to give all that she does.  Could you imagine making people's dreams come true?  The joy that you would be able to give away?  Joy comes in all forms and I swear that the more I learn about it, the more I want to learn, share, and give to others.  I've never felt so open & honestly happy.

Jusra-photo source

Joy has a palpable feeling.  It has an energy field and a current that, allows you to be elevated by the experience of coming into contact with it.  It happens every time you allow joy to rise inside yourself and then you're willing to share it.  That energy carries its own force field.  Others see it, they feel it, they know it, and they want to be a part of it.-My girl Oprah

Flipping it

Oh Hannah Marcotti you make my heart swell.  Just read this and now my mind is swirling.

Where are you now?

See yourself. Fill in the blank. That first thing that comes to mind, that is the one.

If only I ____________________, I would ________________________

If only I could stop losing my patience with the kids, I would be living more truthfully.

Now you get to flip it.

Living more truthfully allows me to feel calm and patient and present when I am with my kids.

Feel it. Let it energize you. Allow it to guide your choices. The rain and snow and wind guide our choices so too should the simplicity of our deepest desires.

Hold this as a mantra in your mind and heart.

Be amazing. Because you are.

Look into your own eyes.

Live in your truth.

Where am I now?

If only I could lose weight, I would be healthy.

Flipped it and heard the message loud and clear.  Living healthy will move me forward to achieving my weight loss goals.

If only I could give more, I would receive more.

Flipped it and heard...Allowing myself to receive more will allow me to give more.  Allowing myself to receive has been one of the most vulnerable exercises I have worked on.  I feel like I shouldn't be looking for gifts and then I have to remind myself that most things are a gift if only I would pay attention.

Ten good things

I forgot to post my 10 good things on Sunday.  Oh well, better late than never.

1) This stress free manifesto is printed and hanging where I can read it each day.
2) The extended weekend that gave me the time to fall in love with my son all over again and again and again
3) Lovebombing this girl
4) Living Love
5) Hanging with my best friends this weekend-all of them
6) Teaching an 11 year old about extreme kindness and love
7) Yoga twice a week
8) Delicious thanksgiving food
9) naps-Gosh I would love to steal one sometime soon
10) My sexy hubby

30 days of grace-Day 29

I am grateful that I have the means to give what is needed even when I don't know that it's needed.

30 days of grace-Day 28

I am grateful that I can afford to have a roof over my head.

30 days of grace-Day 27

Today I am grateful for long weekends and the time spent with my little one.  I'll be honest that we were tired of each other's company around dinner time tonight but the time we have spent together the past few days has been fun.  We have created memories that he'll remember for a lifetime.

Joy Up-Day 1

Dear Santa,
     I haven't written one of these for myself in years.  I'm definitely out of practice so I'm just going to let it flow and see where I end up.  What do I want for myself this Christmas?  I want to value myself more.  I want to let go of my past and stop reliving the same stories over and over again.  I want to let go of the weight that is keeping my fire inside.  I want to shine brightly and I want to love more than anything else.  I want to be the type of person that can hug a person upon meeting them.  I want to make everyone feel at home as soon as they meet me.  I want to draw other women to me that are as full of love as I am.  I want to be surrounded by honesty, by open hearts, and by gratitude.  I want long, poetic conversations over tea.  I want time spent learning about myself.  I want to do more yoga and be balanced.  I have found an amazing yoga instructor and I want to be able to continue to attend her classes.  I have actually been able to attend two yoga classes a week lately and I am loving it.  I do, however, want to get back into the gym.  I used to enjoy the hour I spent alone thinking and being completely involved in myself.  I miss it and know that I deserve it.  I'm ready to realize that I don't want to feel like shit anymore.
     I would also love to start some new traditions this year.  I'm going to give it some thought but I really want to do things with my son that he will remember for a lifetime.  Things like:
1) Make some hot cocoa and watch Elf
2) Pick out the Christmas tree and put the ornaments on it the first Saturday in December
3) Drive around looking at Christmas lights
4) Picture with Santa
5) make paper snowflakes
6) watch the fake fire on tv and listen to Christmas music
7) bake cookies
8) go to one Christmas parade
9) Pop popcorn and watch The Christmas Story
10) Caring & Sharing program at school
11) Buy Christmas present for daddy together
12) Go see a Christmas movie together in the Theatre
13) Go see Princess Bride
14) Do a kindness project
15) Donate our time to a Christmas project (volunteer)

I really am ready to make this the most peaceful, inviting, fun Christmas yet

Love,
Mamafeelgood

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-16

The new moon is tonight.  I am shocked by all I have learned and received.  I am going to keep up the practice of paying attention to all that I give and receive.  I think that by making myself write it down daily, I make myself aware of how much I give & opens me up to receive. I may just write about it here once a week now instead of daily.
Just today I emailed someone about a free life coaching session only to find that I had won a gratitude kit and 3 months of life coaching.  This comes at a time when I am ending a class that has completely changed my life and was contemplating talking to a therapist so that I could keep learning about myself.  I know that I now am on the right path because this could not have come at a better time.

Today I attended a potluck and took 2 of my signature dishes.  I gave freely of all that I had and gave a friend a ride home when his ride was too drunk to safely drive him home.  No questions asked.

30 days of grace-Day 26

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Today I am grateful for camp fires.  I have sat around 2 this week and they are so peaceful and relaxing.  I've noticed that I do my best thinking when I sit by one.  Good for talking.  Good for the soul.

Letting Go

Jusra

Letting go is about as challenging for people as receiving is. It doesn't mean forgetting or pretending you don't have feelings.  It simply means not letting the issue be a guiding force in your life.  By letting something go, you are free to move forward from a place of loving.


JoAnna Rothman

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-15

I do believe this is my last night.  I have really loved paying attention to what I give and what I receive.

Today I gave my time and energy to having a cousin come over to play with my son.  We ate, we played, we jumped, we went to the park, played video games, dressed in costumes, and had milkshakes.  I'd have to say that this was a successful day.

Today I gave myself the gift of going to a friend's house, watching bad movies and curling up under a blanket while wearing no pants.  Every day should be no pants day

30 days of grace-Day 25

I am grateful for movies that make me laugh.  I am grateful for sitting next to a good friend, sharing leftovers, talking about nothing.  I am grateful for my glorious life.

Owning our story

brene brown rocks my world

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-14

Today I spent the day with family.  My gift was huge today.  I gave the gift of silence and was kind instead of right.  Grace in practice.

Today I gave myself WAY too much food followed by time around a fire pit with good friends

30 days of grace-Day 24

Today I am grateful that I have a good family.  The kind that I wouldn't have necessarily picked for myself but the kind that loves me and teaches me just the same.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-13

Today I had friends over for dinner and coffee.  I am trying to open my home up more and to make it a place of comfort.

I gave myself the gift of lighting a few candles and just sitting back to enjoy them.

30 days of grace-Day 23

Today I am grateful for everyone I've met on the path to become who I am right now.  If you think about it, we meet so few people in our lifetime and they each shape us in some way.  I am really starting to love who I am becoming and the people I am attracting to me.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-12

Today I bought Christmas presents.  I've been saving for the hubby's gifts for months and he has no idea what he is getting.  I'm so excited that I can barely stand it.

I'm giving myself a few extra moments of silence today.  So good night and I'm going to read a real book for a while

30 days of grace-Day 22

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I am grateful for coffee. It is my livelihood.  My hubby makes a delicious cup whether brewed, pressed,  or dripped.  Few things beat a cup of coffee prepared just the way I like it.

Bullying

Yesterday my family came over for an early Thanksgiving.  It's gotten to the point where my parents leave us on Thanksgiving and go to the beach while I go to visit my in-laws.
Point being...my father gave me the greatest compliment yesterday.  Then at the end of the night, my son took his shirt off b/c he had been playing hard and wanted to cool down.  My dad leans over to my son and says "Good God Boy, you've got three rolls of fat there."  My mom chimes in and says, "yeah, you need a bra."  I screamed, "Hey!  He's only 5.  What are you doing?  Leave him alone!"
Luckily my son didn't understand what was going on but I am heartbroken.  I also now understand a lot more about how and why I am who I have been.  I have spent my entire life overweight and I am very careful that my son gets proper nutrition, lots of exercise, and that I never comment on his body.  The boy has grown so much in the past 3 months.  He's gone from 38 to 48 inches in height, gained 10 lbs, and jumped from a size 5 pants to a size 7.  He's also been an eating machine and does tae kwon do for an hour twice a week.  I know that my son is not on the path to being overweight.  I am just so upset with my parents.  I laid in bed last night stewing and thinking.  I know I have to talk to them but I have to do it in a caring way and I am definitely not ready for that yet.  The ironic thing is that both parents told me about a bullying incident that had happened the day before that my dad witnessed between an older boy and my son.  The older boy was being mean and aggressive and my son didn't know how to react.  My dad was really upset that a kid could treat his grandson like that and then he turned right around and did it himself.  I'm sure he didn't even realize what he did b/c both of my parents have always talked that way to me.  I have to break the cycle here.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-11

Today I anonymously donated money to help a friend get an airplane ticket to see her grandfather.

I then took myself back to Monday night yoga class and feel more balanced and happier than I did at any point last week.  I must remember that it is what I love.

30 days of grace-Day 21

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There are few things I love more than laughing.  I love hearing it, sharing it, starting it, continuing it.  I love giggles, guffaws, snickers, stifled laughter.  I never tire of it and I have never heard too much genuine laughter.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-10

Today I gave my time and my home.  I cleaned my house, had my family over, and spent time with my mother at the grocery store.  Shopping with my mother is one of the things I hate THE MOST in the world.

Gave myself a spic 'n' span room and moved things around so it felt more peaceful.

My dad gave me the best compliment in the world today and I wish I could have accepted it with a more welcoming heart.  One day I will learn that it's ok to accept kind words.

Ten good things

1.  The opportunity to check in and do a life reset
2.  Showing up for myself
3.  Learning to hope less.
4. Getting it on with life
5.  Living love

6.  Realizing that home is exactly what I make of it.
7.  Having my dad tell me that I am the best mother he has ever seen.  Better than my mom, his mom, my grandmothers, and even my grandmothers.  I almost cried.
8.  Learning to accept compliments
9.  Free tickets to STOMP!
10.  Hearing my son tell my I am beautiful repeatedly this week, completely unprompted.

30 days of grace-Day 20

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I am grateful for books.  Seriously.  I have spent so much of my life with my nose in a book.  I have read millions of words and I am grateful for each one.  There are few things that I love more than getting lost in a good book.

Full Moon to New moon gifts-9

Today we drove to my mom's church and supported the church with a chicken pastry dinner.  I donated to the church and at the same time picked up some homemade plum, blackberry, blueberry, & strawberry/fig jam.  The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches around here are going to be amazing.

I gave myself STOMP!  Someone gave my husband free tickets so he gave them to me to take my best friend to see the show.  It was one of the best things I've ever seen.

My mom also gave me 4 wonderful gigantic candles that are going to have my house smelling lovely.

30 days of grace-Day 19

When my son was about 3 years old we took a 2.5 hour road trip together.  I'm not big on allowing him to watch movies or play video games but on this particular trip I allowed him to watch The Yellow Submarine for a while because he loves the movie so much.  I don't remember much about the journey to our destination.  What I remember is that my son talked and asked questions the entire way home.  "Mommy, who is Ringo?  What instrument does he play? Why is he driving that car?  Mommy, where's Paul?  Why did they go in all those doors?  Why was John hiding?  Mommy, why does George listen to funny music?  Mommy, why are they in a yellow submarine?  Why do they have beards?  Why are they old?  How did they become babies?"  This went on for hours.  My mom was with us on the trip home and she just kept looking and me and saying that she couldn't believe that I was answering every single one of his questions.  My rule then was that as long as he was asking, I would answer.  Whew!  That drive was hard work.
Today I'm grateful for rear view mirrors.  As my son and I took a quick road trip I could see him in the mirror staring out the window looking at the clouds and not saying a word.  I smiled to myself thinking of that trip just a year and a half ago and how much things have changed.

Full Moon to New moon gifts-8

Today I donated to Toys for Tots.
I gave myself a special dinner with good friends of empanadas and delicious tequila.

I talked with my boss and she has agreed to let me get off work early enough to continue with yoga on Monday nights.  I am thrilled!!

30 days of grace-Day 18

Today I am grateful for my son.  He is my light.  He has taught me to slow down and savor life.  He has taught me patience beyond what I ever thought possible.  I am grateful for him every day.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-7

Today another letter from the universe was sent.  I really need to do other nice things and branch out of what I know.  I love sending them b/c I don't have to take credit for them.  I like being kind behind the scenes.

I gave myself the gift of a lovely evening with lovely women.

Today people came out of the woodwork complimenting me on things that I've worn a dozen times before.  I must be putting beautiful energy out there.

30 days of grace-Day 17

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I am so grateful for nourishing food.  Tonight I practiced mindful eating with a wonderful group of women.  We dined on curried butternut squash soup, spinach & apple salad with goat cheese, fruit salad, shrimp salad, and Tabbouleh.  We silently ate for a few minutes, savoring every bite.  Chewing slowly, sighing heavily, and taking in all the different flavors, textures, and using all of our senses to completely experience our food.  I will be sure to practice nourishing myself more often.

Air

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All things share the same breath—

the beast, the tree, the man...

the air shares its spirit with

all the life it supports.

—Chief Seattle

30 days of grace-Day 16

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I am grateful for my tribe.  I have surrounded myself with some of the most beautiful, magical women possible.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-6

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Today I gave a donation to the Food Bank & I bought lunch for a co-worker

Today I gave myself an hour of yoga.  It was wonderful.  I also gave myself the gift of sitting for 5 minutes and listening to a guided meditation.

Today I received a compliment from my yoga teacher who noticed that I had been working hard to open my shoulders.

30 days of grace-Day 15

Today I am grateful for realizations.

Land's End

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-5

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Today I sent out another letter to the universe.
I haven't done it yet but when I'm done posting here I'm going to take a long shower, wash my hair with delicious shampoo, wash with luxurious body wash, and the applying lavender lotion.
I also plan to do some stretching on the floor for my shoulders and achilles tendon.
Now that I think about it, I bought myself a winter jacket today.  I have not bought a new one in over 15 years.  The one I've been wearing is so thin and frayed.  I've had it longer than I've known my husband and today I decided that I am worth more.  I deserve to feel and look beautiful in a new coat.

I was thinking today about the gifts I have received.  The physical gifts.  I've been given a lavender eye pillow, a hand made scarf, a delicious chili recipe, lunch, a Reiki session, a letter from the universe, & a coupon for a free meal.  That is literally a physical gift per day.  That doesn't even count the revelations and gratitude I have felt.  This experience is amazing just after 5 days.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-4

Today I sent out a lovely letter to a friend who needs it.  I know exactly how she's going to react when she gets it.
I received a letter in the mail as well as a certificate for a free Reiki session that I won at a yoga for youth event.
Later tonight I will be watching a TV show with my husband.  We actually have to schedule time for that.

30 days of grace-Day 14

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Today I am grateful for unexpected gifts in the mail.  I love sending them out and I love receiving them.

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-3

Today I gave my son alone time with his dad.  They went to the park and I didn't go along.  Instead,
I gave myself 2 hours of restorative yoga.

30 days of grace-Day 13

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Today I am grateful for yoga.  I have found a studio that I absolutely love and an instructor that is great.  I have never felt more balance in my life.  I hope that I continue to have the means to attend classes.  I think they are vital.

Ten good things

* Sitting on the couch holding hands with my five year old
* Pot roast in the oven lovingly prepared by my hubby
* Passion in the bedroom
* Long, hot showers
* Pedicures
* Explaining "The Grinch" to my son
* Making s'mores with family
* Listening to Iron & Wine in the car as the little one snoozes in the back seat
* Restorative yoga
* The best chili I've ever eaten in my life

30 days of grace-Day 12

photo source:  weheartit

Every year I look forward to the time when I can:
a) wear the comfy nightgown
b) use the comfy coma inducing blanket
c) light "leaf" scented candles
d) drink apple cider
e) rake leaves into piles for jumping
f) wear light sweaters
g) drink hot tea outside
h) eat apples with peanut butter
i) wear scarves
j) wear my favorite fleece jersey that I've had for about 15 years

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-2

photo source:  Oncewed

Today I went over to my extended family's house and made s'mores.  I supplied all the ingredients due to a giveaway that I won a few months ago.
I gave myself a few stolen moments when my kid was at a birthday party and I went next door to get a pedicure.

Dave

I had a dream last night that one of my new friends turned out to be a friend of someone that stopped being friends with me long ago.  The friend from long ago was a good friend who terminated our friendship for reasons still not clear to me.  He moved out to a farm and is living a very Zen life.  I always supported him and completely understood why he was doing what he was doing.  A lot of people turned their backs on him but I never did.  He stopped being friends after I had my kid because we were living "very different lives now".  I still to this day, 5 years later, do not understand what that means.  I never said anything about his lifestyle.  In fact, I admired that he could give up on the comforts that we all take for granted to pursue a more authentic life for himself.  Every once in a while he shows up in my dreams.  The two I can remember are as follows:

Dream 1-I am shopping at a thrift store near the place where I last saw him with my 6 year old son (my son was 1 at the time).  He walks over to me and tries to start talking to me.  I look at him with a straight face and say, "I'm sorry but you don't know me" and I walk away.

Dream 2-Last night I dreamed that my new friend had spoken to my old friend and my old friend was asking how I was doing.  He inquired about my life, my son, my husband, and was surprised to hear that I was loving my life.  He wanted to know if he could contact me but I woke up before I resolved any of it.

Obviously I have a lot of sitting to do with the cause behind the dissolution of this relationship.  I don't understand how someone I loved so much and considered a good friend could just turn his back on me without a clear reason.  I honestly know of nothing I did to him that could have caused this.  I wonder why this is coming up now?

Migration

photo source:  reeunderscore

Migration                         

Going from this place to another place

            requires surrender of your old ways,

            the honoring of sacred wisdom and not

            anticipation of the journey only. The soul’s

Migration between the old place and the new means

            that you must recognize your path

            to an unknown destination, risking all

            with the chance of gaining nothing. You are merely

The connection between growth and suffocation,

            the link that joins possibility to pain,

            and thus you become the keeper of your own flame.

Going from this place to another place is like

            the bird in winter who remembers

the beauty of her springtime nest

just to keep herself from freezing.

                                                By Nancy Wood

Full Moon to New Moon gifts-1

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Today I invited a friend over which is something I never do.  I shared a meal with a dear friend.  I sat quietly and listened.  I talked and was heard.  Good day all around.
Sometimes I allow those that love me most to be the ones that show it the least.  Saying I love you is not the same as meaning it.  Acting in love is not the same as apologizing after you've said or done hurtful things.  I'm spending a lot of time these days considering what is important to me and what I am willing to keep & what I am willing to let go.

30 days of grace-Day 11

Today I'm grateful for being heard.  Sometimes it's great to listen and sometimes it's even better to have someone listen to you.

To remember

photo source:  carrotsandpeas

Sometimes hyper criticism coming from someone that claims to love you is really their way of mirroring whatever is their own discontent in their lives.-Oprah's Life Class

30 days of grace-Day 10

Today I am grateful that I can cook.  Cooking makes me happy when it is something that I want to cook and I'm amazed by my ability to turn nothing into something.

Dedication to giving

Photo source:  Juma

Tonight is the November full moon.  I keep reading about how full moons are a time of change and getting rid of the old.  I've been looking for a time to do this so tonight seems as good as any.  The new moon is on November 25th and on the 26th I'm going to start the Holiday Joy UP.  Giving of myself for the next 15 days seems like the perfect segway to receiving the Joy UP.  For the next 15 days  I am going to give away something to someone else and I am going to give myself something in return.  I think it's the perfect way to begin to cultivate opening myself to kindness and nurturing.  I want to receive the gifts that are being thrown my way but I Really need to learn to open up to them.

Idea of gifts to give away:
Buy a meal for someone else
Leave a large tip
Leave bottles of bubbles behind
good will
letters from the universe
write a letter
buy a gift
baked goods
Do a deed for someone

Ideas of gifts to give to myself:
Yoga
listen to music with my eyes closed
a walk
long, hot shower
new eyeshadow
new stationary
5 minutes of meditation

What are friends for?

Sometimes I sit back and think long & hard about the interactions I have with people.  Today is one of those days where a good friend and I didn't agree because she asked my opinion and then didn't like the response.    I get so tired of being used as a sounding board.  I find it exhausting that so often she lashes out at me because she is unhappy only to have to come back later and apologize.  I get so tired of the apologies.
I am in such a good place now.  I've been taking care of myself.  I've been doing yoga, massages, eating better food, spending time with people that nourish me, talking with my husband, and sending good energy out into the world.  I am boggled as to why I feed into this negative behavior time and time again, why I listen to the banter time & time again.
I am doing everything in my power to figure out why I am overweight.  I am working "behind the scenes" to name the characters in my life that I use to protect myself.  I have looked at pictures of myself growing up and realized that I blossomed into a woman much earlier than I should have and I have never taken the time to celebrate that.  I've never really been proud that I am a woman.  **This is an entire entry in its own right, but I am working with it right now**  I am working hard to be the person I want to be.  I think it is time that I figure out who needs to be part of that journey.  I wouldn't stay in a bad marriage, why do I stay in a bad friendship?

30 days of grace-Day 9

photo source:  maintainhealthyliving

Tonight I must say that I am grateful for yoga thai massage.  I could not stop smiling for about an hour afterwards.  Such a beautiful experience.  I can't wait to do it again.

30 days of grace-Day 8

Picture source: jamo0n

I am so so grateful for travel-all sorts.  I love jumping in the car for a trip to see a friend, the beach, or the mountains.  I love boarding a plane with an entirely new country on the itinerary.  I love meeting new people.  I love learning about local customs and traditions.  I pray that I am always able to travel well.