Beautiful words-when things fall apart

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Carolyn Myss, the medical intuitive who writes and lectures about why people don't heal, flew to Russia a few years ago to give some lectures. Everything that could go wrong did: flights were cancelled or overbooked, connections missed, her reserved room at the hotel given to someone else. She kept trying to be a good sport, but finally, two mornings later, on the train to her conference on healing, she began to whine at the man sitting beside her about how infuriating her journey had been thus far.

It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said, gently, that they believe when a lot of things are going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born-and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.”

From here

Mondo Beyondo end of year worksheet

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2011?
I don't remember much from the beginning of the year but around April I shifted into self-care mode.  I lost 30 lbs by eating well and going to the gym.  I gained it all back at the end of the year once I stopped smoking July 30th.  I started a yoga practice and I am in love with it.

What did you create?   I created space for me.  I am making sure to do something for myself every day whether it's just taking the time to read a book or practicing yoga.  I created a yoga practice.  I am slowly creating a new me.

What challenges did you face with courage and strength?   I am still in the process of letting go of what does not serve me.  I think it is incredibly courageous that I was part of a women's workshop for 8 weeks and I took the time to speak out about my life and myself and my feelings.  I was incredibly vulnerable and that was hard.

What promises did you keep?  I promised to give more and I did.  I promised to be more kind and I was.

What brave choices did you make?  The bravest choices have been to go to the women's workshop and to eventually work up to not allowing people to steal my energy when I desperately need it for me.  I have learned to say no.  I have learned that it's ok to want to stay home and be with myself.  I'm so used to being an extrovert and being the center of attention that for me to choose to be alone is huge.

What are you proud of?  I am proud of making my end of year bonus at work.  I am proud that I have opened a new door to seeing who I am.  I am proud that I have had that door open for a few months now and I'm not running away.

2. What is there to grieve about 2011?
What was disappointing? I was incredibly disappointed that I did not rappel down the Wachovia building.  I hated not doing that but I did not lose the weight I wanted so I felt like it wasn't safe to do it.


What was scary? The scariest thing I did was tell my truth in the workshop.  Opening myself up with such complete and raw honesty was eye opening and it was hard work.


What was hard? Learning that I am horrible at accepting compliments.  I don't know how I didn't realize this but it has really hit me hard.  It was also hard to speak my truth.  It still is.  I'm still not good at sharing myself with those around me.


What can you forgive yourself for? I don't know why forgiveness is so hard for me.  I really need to forgive myself for the way I was in high school.  I need to forgive all the anger I harbored.  I need to forgive my fear of isolation then especially when I try purposefully to carve it out now.  I need to forgive myself for being scared & acting accordingly.  



3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
The next step is to say out loud, “I declare 2011 complete!” 
How do you feel? If you don’t feel quite right, there might be one more thing 
to say… I declare 2011 complete.  I still have some decluttering to do before the day's end but I feel very good about the completion of this year and the beginning of the new one.


4. The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2012?
This is the year of joy.  It's my word of the year.  I am going to do something that brings me joy every day.  I'm also breaking down the months to focus on an aspect of joy.  I'll be blogging the entire way b/c I really think that this is going to be a major year of transformation.  Rarely have I been SO excited to start a new year.


Stand up and say it proud, “2012 is my year of JOY!!”

Worksheet taken from here.

Gift Focus

What one or two areas of my list would I like to focus on for the next 30 days?
I'm going to say losing weight/getting to the root of my compulsive eating and being nicer to my hubby.

When I have fully received what I want, I will really have more love.  More love for myself, more love for my husband, more love from my husband.  I love who I am.  It's really strange to me how I can love me as much as I do but then be scared enough to show off who I am.  I know that I am awesome.  I know that I am a healer. I know that I am a great listener.  The closer I get to living this, the more I harm myself physically.  The more scared I am, the more I eat.  The more I eat, the more guilty I feel and the further removed I feel from my own life.  Food is powerfully comforting and numbing for me.

I would really love to carve out some space in my bedroom for my yoga practice and meditation.  This is really something I would like to practice daily but feel that I need to do it in privacy and not out in the open of my living room.  I keep putting this off b/c to practice daily would be opening myself up to more learning and more introspection.  More dealing things that make me uncomfortable.  However, I am getting more comfortable with the uncomfortable.

I want to be more open to listening to my intuition and not silencing it.  I want to say nicer things to my hubby.  I want to notice how smoking hot he is.  I want to be smoking hot for him.

Gifts from the Universe

I'm not really one to daydream but I'm going to put myself out there and visualize for a moment what I would like to receive if I were given the choice.

With respect to my family I would love to be understood.  I know that I cannot choose the family I was born into but sometimes I laugh at how different my family is from my friends.  I was born into a very conservative Baptist family.  My family was never very open to anyone different than them yet I have created a family of friends that most would consider freaks.  I love the dirty hippies, the people with too many tattoos, the transgender, the artists, the massage therapists, the gay, the straight, the single mamas, the social workers.  I married into a Mormon family which is just as conservative as the family I was born into.

I would love my family to be a little less judgemental.  I would love for us to get together once in a while without having to listen to everyone complain about everyone else.  It is a constant drama fest and it does not suit me or make me happy.

With respect to my friends I would love to have someone listen to me.  I have a habit of listening to others but then feeling incredibly guilty when it comes to talking about myself.  I would love to surround myself with a few more mommy friends especially if they are part of a happy partnership.  I would love if my best friend would realize how amazing she is so that no one else would ever have to show or tell her.  I would love to be able to surround myself with more people that are happy in their own skin and in their lives.

With respect to my husband, I would love to be nicer.  I would love it if I could stop taking a hard day out on him.  I would like to treat him with more respect and I am trying very hard to pay attention to that.  I know that he loves me more than anyone else in the world and I need to stop being afraid of that.  I want to be more vulnerable with him.  However I would also like for him to see the effort I'm making and feel that he needs to make an effort as well.  I would love if we could go on dates occasionally and if we were both a little more romantic with each other.

If it were up to me I would be able to always recognize what I am being given.  I'm working on it and I'm learning to be open to gifts and to be grateful.

What would I like to experience:

 financially:  I feel that we make enough money to live a good life.  I would like to be a better manager of our money and to live more simply.  I would like to make a budget and stick with it and see our savings grow.

physically:  I want to lose weight and keep it off.  I have quit smoking and gained back all that I lost last year.  I worked hard for those lost pounds and then just ate them up.  I'm not sure why I'm compulsively eating lately but I do know that I am working on that and want to get to the root of it.

creatively:  I want to write more.  I'm trying really hard to regularly post here and am doing it just for me.  None of my friends know about this and I'm not willing to share it yet.  This journal has allowed me to focus on me and not worry about what anyone thinks of my writing or thoughts.  I also feel the calling to create music.  I'm not sure how or where but I'm pretty sure I will find a way to do this this year.

spiritually:   I have really moved away from any sort of religion since I was in college.  I am a very spiritual person and believe that God is found everywhere.  I believe that what you put out there is what you receive.  If I were able to find a group of good people that were service oriented and got together to talk about Jesus, I would definitely be interested.  I don't really have any goals in this area other than to continue doing yoga and see where that takes me.

Gifts-2

Gifts I received:
1) The email from my yoga instructor throwing me for a loop
2) Kisses from my little one

Gifts I gave:
A beautiful quote that I found that reminded me of my sweet, sweet friend.  I copied it into a letter and mailed it immediately.

Gifts I gave to me:
Planning for a major bedroom purging.  I really want to make that into a more inviting space.

Hope

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I love the hope and anticipation of a new year.
I love coming up with a word of the year and living where that word takes me.
I love the possibility of a new, clean slate.
I've actually been giving 2012 a lot of thought and I know my word of the year.
I'm setting up goals and focuses per month because I really want to live this word.
I want to roll around with it and get intimately familiar.

Today I sent my yoga instructor a picture I found online for curvy yoga and she threw a bug in my ear.  A bug that the hubby fully supported but that I am terribly afraid of.  My yoga instructor thinks that I should train to teach a curvy yoga class.  My hubby agrees.  I am petrified.  I realize that when something scares me this bad it is because it is right for me.  It is exactly what I need to do so I will be doing a lot of thinking and praying and planning.  Who knows...this might be exactly what I need to do.

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Gifts-1

I am open to receiving more gifts.  I had so much fun the last time I concentrated on this that I am ready to try again.  My intention is to document and pay forward all that I receive.  It must feel like a gift & I will be sure to gift something every day in return.

 

I made it my goal to receive 5 gifts yesterday so here goes:

1) My hubby & son requested that I skip yoga last night and come home to be with them instead.  This has never happened before so I was sure to do it.

2) Many great texts telling me I am wonderful

3) A prank that was played on me.  I love these.

4) I saw a wacky, waving, inflatable, arm flailing tube man and it made me laugh

5) A book I'd been waiting on finally made it to the library

 

I gave myself:

1) permission to fall asleep on the couch earlier that my bedtime

2) time on the computer while in bed (something I rarely do)

3) A long shower in the morning

 

Gifts I gave yesterday:

1) Ice cream for everyone in my office

 

Gifts I have received today:

1) Biscuit for breakfast brought in by a co-worker

2) a slice of homemade peppermint cake

3) a quick call from my son this afternoon

 

Gifts I have given:

1) Ice cream again

2) Three letters to the universe

 

Gifts I gave myself:

1) 90 minute massage with my favorite therapist

2) 30 minutes of reading before I go to sleep

Ten good things

1)  Knocking the hubby's socks off at my office Christmas party when I showed up with my normally curly hair, straight and I was rocking the smoky eye shadow.  I normally don't wear any makeup.  I literally took his breath away.
2) Moon salutation
3) I have figured out my word for 2012
4) Having the ability to buy the hubby a gift that he wanted but would have never bought for himself.
5) Being surprised at Christmas by the perfect gift from my hubby
6) I finally hosted a group of friends at my house this week.  It is so hard for me to allow people into my home for some reason.
7) Giving away half of the $100 I won
8) Opportunites to visit with the tooth fairy
9) Learning new ways to show gratitude
10) Joy! Joy! Joy!

Ten good things

Random edition:

1)  Knocking the hubby's socks off at my office Christmas party when I showed up with my normally curly hair, straight and I was rocking the smoky eye shadow.  I normally don't wear any makeup.  I literally took his breath away.
2) Moon salutation
3) I have figured out my word for 2012
4) Having the ability to buy the hubby a gift that he wanted but would have never bought for himself.
5) Being surprised at Christmas by the perfect gift from my hubby
6) I finally hosted a group of friends at my house this week.  It is so hard for me to allow people into my home for some reason.
7) Giving away half of the $100 I won
8) Opportunites to visit with the tooth fairy
9) Learning new ways to show gratitude
10) Joy! Joy! Joy!

38 while 38

I posted this on my other blog but I want to follow up with it here as well:


1. Finish writing a 100+ Things I'd Like to Do Before I Go list
2. Take a jewelry making/beading class
3. Buy new bedroom furniture for me
4. Buy hubby a new car
5. Lose 100 lbs from where I originally started
6. Take a solo trip
7. Volunteer at the Food Bank with Monkeyface
8. Go to a movie alone
9. Go to 3 live performances for free
10. Visit a chiropractor
11. Fix my itunes/ipod
12. Do a photography project
13. Do a Miranda July project
14. Send out 12 surprise packages to the unsuspecting
15. take a girl's trip to the beach
16. Take Monkeyface for a ride in a hot air balloon (for free?)
17. Teach Monkeyface to fly a kite
18. Take Monkeyface to a sporting event
19. Attend 50 yoga classes
20. Visit Ikea again
21. Paint the living room
22. Have a family portrait taken
23. Take Monkeyface to the beach for the day
24. Go on 6 dates with the hubby
25. Have a great conversation with a complete stranger
26. Play a different version of Canasta
27. Take a photography class
28. sneak away for the weekend with the hubby
29. get rid of treadmill
30. Plant something in my yard
31. Get a bed for the guest bedroom (December 2011)
32. Get a bookshelf for Monkeyface's room
33. Get a retro used dining table
34. Buy and wear a new lip color that is completely out of the ordinary for me
35. Rappel down Wachovia building
36. Experiment with new eyeshadow colors
37. Walk 500 miles above what I normally walk on a daily basis
38. Go ziplining in Costa Rica

Soulstice

I wrote this yesterday but forgot to post it.  Well I suppose as of now, I wrote this 2 days ago.

CheriBella

Today is the winter solstice and I'm feeling the need to clean, clean, clean before I hunker down.

I've never celebrated the solstice before but feel the need to balance this year.

Boho Girl is speaking to my heart when she writes:

On the longest night of the year, as we prepare to enter back into the light, it is important that we honor the darkness with as much reverence as we do the sun’s return. Gestation and regeneration take place in the dark. We once grew in a dark womb. Plants begin their lives under the dark cover of soil before they emerge into the sun. Our dark places are not to be feared. They are as necessary to life as the light. Without a shadowed haven into which to retreat, even the life-giving sun will eventually kill you. The light and the darkness give balance and perspective to all of life.

I never really thought about needing time in the dark before returning to the light.  I never thought of honoring my need to be alone for a while but I feel it coming now.  I've been in such a time of introspection lately.  It's been nice surrounding myself with love and with those that love me.  I've been very careful who I give my energy to and I've been nurturing myself with yoga.

What' really throwing me is that I am doing so well spritually right now and I am so in love with life but I cannot stop eating sweets.  It has almost become a compulsion and I'm rarely satisfied.  I keep overlooking the damage I'm doing because of all the good things I'm doing and learning.  I'm really having a hard time controlling the food I'm intaking.  It's like I'm trying to balance myself out by damaging everything good I'm doing.  I realize that that makes no sense but I have no other explination.

I'm very ready to spend some time alone this winter.  I'm very ready to say no to going out and to say yes to the things I love that make me feel better and do better.  I have never been more in love with my life than I am right now.  Tonight I'm cleaning and purging and then after the boys are in bed, I'm renewing myself with some gentle, loving yoga.  Out with the old and in with the new.

Change

photo source: secretgirlsthings

I change the world by changing myself. I am changing the world by loving myself, by enjoying life, by making my personal world a dream of heaven. I change myself, and just like magic, other people start to change.
~ don Miguel Ruiz

What delights you?

1) My wee family
2) The first words out of my son's mouth most mornings
3) feeling sexy
4) yoga
5) conquering fears and pushing boundaries
6) the smell of clean laundry
7) people walking and holding hands
8) Seeing u2 live
9) decorating my Christmas tree
10) anticipation of something spectacular
11) surprising people
12) conversations over coffee
13) listening to my son sing
14) sex
15) baking
16) making and then eating my own jam
17) walks in the woods
18) decluttering
19) blowing zzerberts on a baby's belly
20) journaling outside
21) the tooth fairy
22) Super Soul Sundays
23) giant belly laughs

Ten good things

1) Headstands!
2) Opening myself up to receiving gifts
3) Printing this for one of my favorite people
4) Loving, accepting, and forgiving myself
5) Learning when you know better, you do better.
6) My son walked into my bedroom this morning and loudly proclaimed, "Good morning por favor!"
7) Scented candles and the lit Christmas tree
8) Winning $100 and figuring how to give away half of it
9) Conversation with my own life coach.  Is this really happening?
10) Anticipation of how amazed my hubby is going to be at Christmas

Gifts

I used to buy scratch off lottery tickets a while ago at least once a week.  I sort of dropped the habit & had not thought about it in almost a year.  Today my brother asked me when the last time was that I had bought one.  I honestly couldn't remember.  Fast forward to this evening.  I was at the grocery store and had $20 in my wallet.  I popped it in the ticket machine and proceeded to win $100.  Wow!

Also today-my brother told his girlfriend that I wanted more of my perfume and since she works at a makeup counter, she was able to walk over to one of her friends and get me enough of a sample that it will last me roughly a year.  Woo Hoo!

Bucket list

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I just did a mother fucking headstand!  Mark that one off the bucket list!!!!!

Loving this

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This picture makes me endlessly happy

Ten good things

1) Family get togethers with "Happy Birthday" sung at the top of our lungs
2) Starting a revolution
3) Grocery challenges
4) Talking to my parents about this and being happy that I did
5) Cleaned out the little one's closet and made his room better for him
6) Sending out letters from the Universe
7) Thinking of new projects I want to jump into regarding gratitude and photos
8) Coconut lotion and Bobbi Brown Beach mixed together to make me smell divine
9) scarves, scarves, and more scarves
10) Cleaned out my own closet this weekend and removed a HUGE amount of empty hangers.  Whew!

Daily struggles

Being a mom is one of the most fulfilling roles I've ever had.  I am amazed at how much patience I have now.  I used to get to mad so quickly, but when it comes to disciplining and teaching my child, I swear I have the patience of a saint.  In my line of work, I sometimes deal with people that require me to also show them the same amount of patience.  Since have a child, when a crisis occurs, I automatically shut down, focus on what is in front of me, fully assess the situation, and then take action.  I don't panic.  I immediately calm down and then do what needs to be done to get myself out of the crisis.  One example of this is just today I smelled smoke in the house and at first I thought it was the heating unit.  Sometimes it smells a little like something is burning if it hasn't run in a while.  I was in the bathroom getting ready and I smelled smoke which I thought was weird but I dismissed it.  I then went back into the bathroom and continued to get ready.  When I came back out, the smell was stronger and I knew something was wrong. I walked quickly into the kitchen and saw smoke everywhere.  Immediately I looked at the stove and oven.  They were both off.  I then shifted to the toaster oven and saw a little flame in the bottom.  This is the conversation that happened in my head:

Ok fire in the toaster oven
unplug it
open the door
oops that was dumb
hrmm..electrical fire
can't use water
fire extinguisher is too far away
salt....baking soda
BAKING SODA!
I grabbed it, threw it on the fire and everything is fine now.  I remained calm the entire time and only afterwards did my 5 year old walk in to ask me what smelled funny.
I just feel like if I panic, he will panic so I just shut down and solve.  I say all this to show that I can think and act quickly in order to save a life or a house.

However, I am struggling right now to find a way to get through to my child that learning can be fun.  He is a very loving kid.  The kind of kid that crawls into bed with me each morning and says "Good morning beautiful mommy."  The kid that hugs me and wants to hang out with me.  He wakes up on the weekends asking me what we're going to do today.  He is very well mannered and has finally broken out of his shyness.  BUT we are struggling with school.  He is bored and spends a lot of his time daydreaming, talking out of turn, and not doing his work.  Just this week he was sent to sit with the assistant principal because he threw a rock and hit another student in the head.  The assistant principal failed to mention to me that the much larger child had thrown grass at my child and he threw the rock in retaliation.  Now, I'm not saying that he was right in doing what he did.  I've told him that he is not right.  I've tried to show him how the other child felt when he hit them.  I'm doing everything I can to make him empathetic to the situation but I am at a loss.  How do I show him that learning is fun?  How do I make him enjoy school?
He loves his teaching assistant but he does not like his teacher.  I also can understand that.  She is one of those teachers that is very strict and by the book.  If she were a nun, I can totally see her popping students' hands with a ruler.  I've talked to another mom with a child in the class and she is going through exactly the same thing that I am.  I swear he doesn't act this way at home.  How do I help him learn to love learning?
I have a meeting with her next week and I'm hoping that this will help me.  This is definitely one of those times when I would be open and vulnerable, gratefully willing to the help offered.